Dear Crew,

You're never going to stop breastfeeding! I have such a love/hate relationship with it. On one hand, it takes up a lot of time. We're down to two feeds a day but you'll feed for at least thirty minutes. Also, you're old enough that I'm a little embarrassed that we're still breastfeeding.

On the other hand, I love snuggling with you! I'm normally the least physical person ever but there's something about cuddling up with you. Plus, thanks to breastfeeding, you'll often fall asleep on me and that is the best. You love breastfeeding and you would be a lot more weaned right now if you didn't love it so much. Then I'm torn between loving and hating it. So when you fall apart about wanting to breastfeed, I lack the willpower to say no.

You love to snuggle with at least two stuffed animals. However, it's not unusual for you to grab more. Every stuffed animal has to breastfeed. You'll hold them up to my boob and I'll make a slurping sound. It's cute but sometimes annoying when there are a bajillion stuffed animals and you keep switching sides.

One thing I love to do with you is to snuggle you after you wake up from a nap. You sleep with the covers on and are always so warm and cozy.

Your talking has exploded that last few weeks. You went from saying almost nothing to saying a lot! You would nod a lot, though. I loved to asked you a lot of questions just to see you nod. Now you can say, "Yeah." You also like to call my name. You'll yell, "Ma!" like you're from Little House On The Prairie times.

I'm glad I got to write all of these cute things down because now I need to vent. You are SO HARD right now. You're almost two and I think you should be a lot more independent than you are. You want to be held a lot and you cry a ton, too. I actually threw out my back from holding you last week. I had a painful three day recovery. I don't know how moms have kids older than me.

I love you,
~Mom

Dear Crew-

Your breastfeeding days are numbered! I've always planned to stop at 23 months but it's been hard! I was scared of you quitting too early and breastfed you too often for too long. It hurts my heart to hear you ask for "ma mow." I know each time I say, "No," is prompting you to ask about it less. Which of course the point!

I shortened our feeds to just twice a day-once before nap time and once before bedtime. Today you only got one feed. My supply is decreasing and that makes you more prone to breastfeed each side a couple times. I've also been bad. The past two nights, I've let you breastfeed for an hour!

Cutting out our morning feed(s) has helped me get so much done around the house. I can't believe I've breastfed you this long! I just love it. Truly. But you're growing up and it's time to move on. *Sigh.*

You do some cute things breastfeeding. You like to gather three to four stuffed animals and than hold them up to my boob. I'll make a slurping sound and you'll move on to the next time. This is adorable and sometimes tedious. Again, you're breastfeeding each side multiple times.

Sometimes I feel guilty because I'm always on my phone when you eat. Honestly, kid, that's my "me" time. I'll still stop and stare at you, though.

I love to put my hand on your cheek. When you were a baby, I decided to put my hand on your cheek while you were breastfeeding. It feel so intimate. I'm guessing you thought it was claustrophobic because you moved it. I thought that was too cute and put my hand back on your cheek. We played this game four or five times until you started crying, not at all amused.

I kept at it, though. Every so often, I would put my hand on your cheek. If you moved it, I wouldn't put it back. You got used to it and I think you like it because you rarely move my hand.

Your little personality is starting to shine through. You are an enthusiastic dancer and love Disney songs. I got aggravated because you would NOT hold still for diaper changes and to get dressed. It lasted for months and I wondered if any of my other kids despised holding still for as long as you did. I finally caved and you watch Disney songs on YouTube every diaper change. You throw a fit when I take my phone away.

Embarrassingly enough, you somewhat know how to navigate YouTube on my phone. You know that if you swipe up from the bottom, that other suggested Disney videos will appear. You'll often click on them and change the song. Your favorite song has to be, "How Does She Know?" from Enchanted. However, you love The Lion King, Aladdin, and Moana songs.

Your speech is still lagging. Although you shocked me this week. Nana watched you and left during your nap time. When I got you up from your crib, I asked you several times,

"Where did Nana go?" The first time you answered with a shake of your head,

"Know!" This means 'don't know' and you do it all of the time. The third I asked you, you said,

"They gone!" What?! I was so excited. You barely say ten words, yet string two of them together like that.

You had your first haircut the day after Christmas. Did I tell you about that? I couldn't handle the change during Christmas. It's funny how I mourn each last. Although Bria still hasn't had her first haircut. Ha, ha.

I love you,
~Mom

Dear Crew-

You're sick and maybe teething. Last night you woke crying. I groggily put you in bed with us. Sometime later, you crawled on Dad's head. I breastfeed you in bed. When you come to me, you want the boob. When you go to Dad, you want to be on top of his head. As if this wasn't bad enough, you farted on Dad's head! Only Dad didn't know that you farted. At 2:30 AM, he turned on the light and changed your diaper thinking you pooped! You make me laugh, kid.

It was the primary program today and we did a "family part" this year. Everyone said something but you. You're barely talking. That did not stop you from trying to get to the microphone. I ended up leaving the podium early with you while you screamed. Good times, good times.

I love you,
~Mom

Dear Crew-

Today was Halloween. I want to say it was your first but I guess it was your second. It seems like your first because you were actually old enough to participate! How weird for you to wear a ridiculous costume and walk up to strangers for candy.

You had the walking up to people down. You would hold your bucket up and stare at them. Then you would continue to stare at them and not move after you had your candy. Anything verbal was beyond you this year.

I'm sad to say, you only went to a few houses before I took you home. You wanted to walk this year and you were a pain! You didn't want to walk with us but did your own thing. Whenever I carried you to the rest of the group, you wriggled and fussed.

Dad and I decided you had enough. You were pretty bummed about being at home. However, I let you eat candy the whole time your siblings were gone and that perked you right up.

You are such a sweet boy. You gurgle a lot of made-up words. You've started speaking a lot more the past few days. You can say, "Hello!" really clearly. It's pretty dang cute to hear you say it. You can also say, "Mama" and "Dada" and "Nana." You can say, "Dallin" but it just comes out as "Da!" The rest of your siblings names are beyond you. Oh! You can say, "breastmilk." It sounds something like a tiny bit of baby gibberish ending in "ma!" I need to get it one film. You are a stinker with the camera! You have a sixth sense and pout and refuse to do anything cute when I'm taking a video.

After your siblings went to sleep, I sat and breastfed you for a long time. I love breastfeeding you. I'm not a touchy person but I sure do love snuggling with you. You fall asleep on me less and less these days. After a solid 45 minutes of breastfeeding, I put you to bed awake. You were tired though. You stayed laying down in my arms as I carried you to bed. Then you let me kiss you on the mouth a dozen times before finally pushing my face away.

I love you, Crew!
~Mom

Dear Crew-

You fell asleep in my arms while I was breastfeeding this afternoon. You've been doing that less and less. I put you in your crib and then regretted it. I wanted you back in my arms. You're getting so big. I wish I could freeze time. I love breastfeeding. I love breastfeeding you.

You've taken to tapping my boobs when you want breastmilk and I think it is the most adorable thing ever. You want breastmilk all of the time. I stress a little on how we're going to stop. With Akarie (my longest breastfeeder), we naturally breastfed less and less. You breastfeed a lot of your age.

I have no plans of stopping for now. However, I've always had a policy to stop by two. That means we're on our final stretch. It makes me so sad. I'm grateful you were an easy breastfeeder and you've lasted this long. I've heard so many tales of babies who stop on their own.

For about two weeks you got into the habit of slurping your milk after detaching. I could see the milk in your mouth and it was the funniest thing. Now I slurp after you finish feeding just to watch you do it.

You still do not talk. At all. You communicate through grunts and saying, "Oh." You were saying, "Uh oh!" in Sacrament today. I don't even hear you call me "Mama" anymore. I haven't worried yet because you are so interactive and cute and normal.

You clap when you see something you like. I find this so hilarious. If I pull out a yogurt or M&M's you clap and go "Yay!" It is the cutest.

You floor flop a lot. Nana nicknamed this. Basically, when somebody tells you no, you fall to the floor and lay there, pouting. You don't cry. You just are sad and don't want anybody to hold you. It's so dang precious. Although you have floor flopped on some pretty gross floors.

You're beginning to like TV. I'll admit that it's not on a great deal when you're awake. However, we have discovered that you like watching "home movies." These are vlogs that I edit together of our everyday life. You really like watching them.

I love you, Crew! You are the best. I'm so grateful you are mine.

Love,
~Mom

Dear Crew-

You are one silent baby. You'll babble sometimes but your speaking has been sketchy. I know you know "Mama" and guess what? That was your first word! I was so excited about that. Your second word was "Nana." We went to Sam's Club with Nana and Grandaddy to eat. As they were driving away, you pointed to their car and exclaimed, "Nana!"

Tonight, you finally said, "Dada." Dad was driving away and you said a few times, "Da!" It was so cute. I made Dad stop and roll down his windows but you wouldn't say it when Dad could hear it.

I'm not going to lie, you are going through a very trying stage. You get into everything. You're either getting into trouble or you want to be held. It's quite exhausting. I'm trying to treasure up this time period but I'm ready to be done with this stage. It's hard to go anywhere or do anything with you. You're always on the move and always causing mischief. I look forward to the days where we can do things as a whole family.

Some examples from this week: Dad took Dallin and Akarie to watch an outdoor movie tonight. I stayed home with you and Bria. Bria would have been fine, you would have been a nightmare. Dad went bowling with Dallin, Akarie and Bria. I ran errands with you. We spent ten minutes at the bowling ally and I was done.

I'm not sure about your personality. You're definitely sensitive. You're enthusiastic. You are stubborn. From time to time, I'll find you doing your clenched fist thing when you get mad. It's seriously my favorite. You also flop on the floor to pout. You don't cry, you just flop. Sometimes you'll run and flop on the floor. I find this amusing and your Nana especially finds this amusing. You do it all the time.

Okay, I can't think of anything else, my sweet precious baby. I really do love having you this young! I still love breastfeeding you. Although I can't believe how big you are all of the sudden. It hit me the other day that I would never breastfeed a little baby again. Sigh.

I love you,
~Mom

Dear Crew-

You are such a slow talker. I do believe you've said your first word. And it's me! That's right, I've heard you say, "Mama" like you know who you're talking to. It's usually when you want out of your high chair.

You are still the sweetest baby, even if you're not really a baby anymore. You will always be MY baby. You play so much and are getting into lots more trouble. We keep our garbage on top of a chair because you get into it so much. I stored a chair in the bathroom today because you kept using it to climb on top of the table.

Yesterday I heard your panicked screams only to find your body half-on the table with your legs dangling. Bria had moved the bench away from you and you were stuck. The only solution for you was to cry for help or fall. I saved you.

I love you, Crew,
~Mom